How to Make a Cup of Tea

Tea. It built a trade empire, which in its heyday advocated the brutal treatment and persecution of thousands of natives, who were cruelly forced to grow the delicious crop, then sell it at low prices to the British, who in were desperate need of something to wash down their afternoon cakes, and spew in outrage at the day’s news (for more information on tea spewing, see Fig 1 of ‘How to Read a Newspaper'). But it sure is tasty!
Yet evil... (fig 1).

It is also positively ridiculously easy to make, which is why it’s so inexplicable when the majority of cafés, tea-rooms and their ilk manage to mess it up so extravagantly. If it’s not woefully under-brewed, essentially brown water, then it’s stewed for three weeks in a clay urn and is thick enough to clog up the Thames for a good few days.

This is why, if just for my mental wellbeing rather than anything else, I have produced a fool-proof, fail-safe, have-to-be-the-lovechild-of-Homer-Simpson-and-a-dodo-to-get-it-wrong list of instructions on how to make a Great British cup of tea. ‘Why are they so secure?’, you may ask. Well, quite simply, it’s because many of the steps are interchangeable, or simply voluntary AND AFTER ALL, ALL YOU’RE DOING IS PUTTING THREE (MAYBE FOUR, BUT I DIGRESS. APOLOGIES) THINGS INTO A MUG, STIRRING IT THEN LEAVING IT FOR A PERIOD OF TIME.

You Will Need:

• A teacup

• Water

• Kettle

• A teabag

• Sugar (optional)

• Milk(optional)

How you do it:

1) Boil the water in the kettle. Refer to kettle manual on how the kettle works. If kettle refuses to work, do not use cold water for the tea. Call the nice man from Comet for help. Sort your life out.

2) Place boiled water, teabag, and optional ingredients into teacup in any old order. Just bung ‘em all in, because contrary to popular belief it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference what order they go in

3) Stir, with anything non-organic which comes to hand and is clean. Leave for 1 to 5 minutes depending on how strong you want it. No more, no less.

4) Remove teabag, and drink tea from the teacup. Saucer, scones and spewing are optional, but recommended.

There. How hard was that? Not at all. Should anyone still need nannying, here are some top tips:

Remove teabag with a spoon or similar appliance if possible. Any other method is probably ill-advised. (Fig 2)

If the milk you are planning on using is so far past its best that it is in fact, cheese, then do not add to cup. Instead, add a slice of lemon and claim it is edgy and modern (Fig 3) despite the fact that tea with lemon is really quite an old tradition.