How to Protest

Let’s face it. There are times in life when one is, quite frankly, ticked off. A factory could decide to outsource, causing mass redundancies (and inevitably, a film ten years later depicting the plucky unemployed people’s refusal to give in and make a musical about their plight). A proposed motorway could cut straight through a quaint, Middle-England village, running straight over Grandma’s grave and the statue commemorating the first inhabitant to own a fridge. A posh supermarket could be destroyed, sparking a middle-class crisis when they are unable to find olive spread, capers, or the right type of mayonnaise.

Yes, there are times when even a very stiff letter to the Daily Telegraph isn’t enough to fully express one’s anger (fig 1). And it’s at times like these that the British sense of community and togetherness swells up, and groups of similarly hard-done-by people gather together to hurl a brick through a window.

Protests have a long, illustrious history, dating back to the Stone-Age when ecological modern-thinking cavemen would intervene on the behalf of the mammoth, rapidly being hunted to extinction. Unfortunately, large stone tablets are bloody difficult to use as banners (fig 2), so the idea of protesting never really kicked off until people found something lightweight to wave (Banners and waving will be covered in more detail later). However, the art of the protest progressed over the years, their demands being heard, and then consistently refused by the people in charge. And they say democracy is a lie.

Guide to Protesting

A fine example were the student protests over the removal of the cap on tuition fees. Luckily, they were a fine example of protesting, and will thus be used as our example here, though feel free to adapt these guidelines to any subject or scale that you so desire, from minor tiff to violent and decisive coup.

You will need:

• A group of like-minded people to protest with. One person waving a placard? Unlikely to achieve much. Two people waving two placards? Now we’re talking.

• Placards/Banners/Signs with well thought out, sensitive, witty, thought provoking messages (fig 3)

• Some sort of projectile to hurl, e.g.: stones, eggs, the packed lunch your mum made you, but turns out to be egg mayo (Yuk). Aim for maximum effect when hurling projectile, but be careful not to do it when the nice riot police men are watching (or mum, on the telly)

When your necessities are gathered, simply stand around looking disgruntled while waving your lovely banner. Eat any of the packed lunch which you do like, and hurl the rest. When all else fails, shock any nearby royals who happen to be passing (fig 4).  And remember, when all looks like it is going down the metaphorical pan, feign casual nonchalance while subtly and unnoticeably doing some more damage (fig 5).