How to Read a Newspaper

As a race, humans are obsessed with what’s going on around them in the world. Albeit, this lust for knowledge does include, for some, wanting to know which celebrity has lost weight in a break-up while adopting a cute orphan, only to be found out to be the secret leader of an even more secret world-wide drug cartel, responsible for the deaths of dozens of people in gang warfare. But most people are just decent, normal folk who just want to know what’s going on. And this, friends, is what newspapers are for.

Despite each news-worthy event only having one way in which it panned out (i.e, the way it actually panned out), there are dozens of different newspapers out there, each with their own different spin on an occurrence or amount of indignation heaped upon people involved, be they actually responsible or not. As a result, it can be confusing, even frightening, to decide which newspaper you want to buy in the first place. Luckily, for your convenience (and because it takes up a large area, thus preventing the need to think of and write any more words. Words are tricky) I have provided, just for you, a handy table to see which paper suits your frame of mind.

(Click to enlarge)         

There are, indeed, others; notably the Times, the countless tabloid papers, and the ‘local rags’. However, I had unfortunately run out of both space and witty remarks to continue. (Looking back at the table, it appears I had run out of the latter some time before writing. In fact, why stop at the table. The whole series would be a more suitable and encompassing term.)

Once you have chosen your local paper, open it. Get a large bin bag, and clear away all the needless sub-sections until you have found the one or two bits of many that you actually desire to read. Burn the rest. All that remains is to make a nice cup of tea (if you don’t like tea, then tough. Just go with it. For instructions on tea making, see ‘How to make Tea’), sit down in a comfy armchair, and get ready to explode in outrage at at least one story, be it in the rise of price of lentils and bean-sprouts for the Guardian readers, or the latest conspiracy about the People’s Princess’s death for fans of the Express. Spewing tea everywhere for effect is optional, but greatly emphasises your disgust (fig 1). 

Try it. It will make you feel a lot better.

Finally, once read, the newspaper can act as a cunning, failsafe plan which can get you out of any sticky, undesirable situation which could possibly arise (fig 2)